No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
