Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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