Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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