he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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