The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
