so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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