you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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