Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
