So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
