i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
