Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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