I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
