dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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