If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
