i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
