My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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