I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
