she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
