I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
