My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize