she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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