he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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