im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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