i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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