I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
