Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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