I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize