Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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