life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
