well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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