Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
