I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
