Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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