Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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