my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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