he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
