Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
