I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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