Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
