the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
