I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
