My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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