life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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