You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
