I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
