Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
