I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The best revenge is premature balding
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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