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You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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