I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
