there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
