I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
operation have a gay friend backfired
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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