I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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