the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I want a musical about memes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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