I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
