I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
