He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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