I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
