broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize