its not stalking. its research.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
