So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
