Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
