You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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