he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
